Moved Blog…

sorry, I should have mentioned this a lot sooner…but this is the link to my new blog….

ashleymorganjackson.tumblr.com

My little sugar booger!

Ashton is 3 months…

its true that it does feel like we have never lived without him so in some ways its as though I can’t believe three months has passed already and then in other ways its as though it has been forever.

We are finally getting into the swing of things and he is overall a great baby! A sleepy baby today as he is taking an irregularly long early nap, which gives me time to write this at the moment.

So, who is Ashton? Well physically he is strong, he has thigh muscles that are so thick and has held his head up from the day he was born. He rolled over when he was three weeks old from his tummy to back and he is now working on the other way. His latest feet on the blanket is when I lay his head one way he finds his way all the way around by push his legs and he is 3/4 of the way from getting on his tummy. We shall see. When we put him on his tummy he trys to get his legs up under him. In some ways I think its cool that he is so strong, yet in others I don’t want to wish away his baby-ness and I know I am gonna be running around like a crazy woman once he is mobile. He is definitely a wiggle worm when I am holding him or he is laying on the ground constantly pounding his heels into the ground. Sometimes I put a pillow under his feet, both so they won’t hurt and because I am sure the neighbors below us must be getting annoyed at the “bang, bang, bang”.  He loves kicking his little toy that he can activate with his feet, sit in his bumbo while I cook dinner, and now we are borrowing Noah’s jumper which he also loves because he wants to be upright more than on his back. I really do feel like he wants to be a bigger boy than he is!

Who is my little man as a baby? Well so far he is a good boy and he LOVES being social. He gets bored easily if we are  home too many days in a row and he will be happy as a clam if there are many new sights and people around to talk to him. How funny it will be if we end up with a little social butterfly, quite different from Daniel and I. I love when he and I have “talks” and how he has given up some of his fussy time in the longer car rides for “singing” and the way he bats his eyes to flirt as well. Nothing can be better as far as “job satisfaction” than after a long night of waking up, exhausted,  coming into his talks in the morning and that HUGE smile that says, “hello mommy!” It is a blessing to be the one who can make it all better:)

He has started to laugh in the past few weeks but he doesn’t always get that this is the response every time, it just comes out when we are tickling him or something but often when we repeat it too much he looses interest in that.  He has odd parents, good luck to him, and I am constantly making up songs for him. The latest to do with clapping your hands, banging your belly and doin the muscle man! haha I also sing what we are doing, taking a bath, changing his clothes, etc. I also have many names for him, which really shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who knows me as we did this with the dogs as well. He is sugar booger, honey bunny, shmooper pooper, shnooker cooker..yeah scarred for life! haha You would have to be around Daniel and I lots to know how into rhyming we are..weirdos! Are most common thing said “thanks banks and your welcome shmelcome” ya don’t ask.

Anyways, just wanted to get some of these things down so I can remember (thanks Denette and Bethany).

I love being a mom and I love my boy so much! I know this is what I was made to do, and although tiring and exasperating at times, it is something that is better than many other things you could do with your time. I think of how much responsibility parents have to teach trust, love, laughter, family, God, etc into a little life entrusted to them! I am looking forward to many more special moments!

Love you Ashtonian!!

Mothers Day :)

To me, this captures my overwhelming thankfulness to be a mother and what it means that this life now means less of my face, more of his:)

Hold me in my pain

I just experienced a hard and beautiful lesson through my son, one of many to come I am sure…

We all know that giving our babies and children their immunization shots is for their best, it keeps them safe from far greater dangers than the shot itself, but this doesn’t make it any easier for them while it happens or the resulting pain they feel…

Ashton woke up from a nap because he was hungry, as he usually does. I began feeding him and when I reached for something a must have leaned in on the muscle that had been injected earlier today. He began to cry that cry that is just “pain”. There is no fix for it, its not like the hungry cry, the wet cry, the I need to burp cry, or I am just fussy cry, its the “I HURT” pain that is so sad. There was nothing I could do for him, but hold him, hold him tight. His little face was so sad and it was one of those parent moments that I have always heard of but have never experienced until now. I held him as tight as I could and I just cried with him. Here I have ultimately caused this pain, or allowed it to happen, and he doesn’t understand, all he knows is that it hurts…bad.

I was overwhelmed in the moment in how the Lord loves us the same. That there are those times that God allows the pain in our lives, sometimes because its what is best for us, even when we don’t understand. And sometimes there are just painful things in our lives in which He does not instantly make better, there are no quick fixes, all He does is hold us tight and cry with us. In my love for Ashton in that moment I cried because he cried, not because I was sorry I had allowed him to have these shots, but because he was hurting..and that was all. How can I as a human parent love in his pain that way and our Lord not love us the same.

And I think of the many who are currently hurting through pains and tragedies that the Lord certainly knows about and has ultimately allowed in the lives of those who love Him, and in all the private moments of desperation where it just hurts in that part of your heart that no one but the Lord could ever know or touch..He cries with them, with me, with us…because He loves us like that. The moments of brokenness on the floor clinging to hope he holds us as tight as He can, whispers that He loves us and cries with us. And for moments when it feels a little better, He keeps holding, because soon its back, the excruciating pain with no remedy. This is not the pain that can be easily remedied, there are no easy answers, there are no quick fixes, there are no words that can bring true comfort…only being held by the one that loves us more than anything. He knows the big picture, He sees the things that we do not, and most of all…He cares. We can trust Him.

Relinquish

I feel like I have so many thoughts running around in my head and I have not had the chance to really verbally process many of them, I never realized how much journaling/blogging was so therapeutic for me. Now that we will have the internet at our apartment I hope I can find a moment or two to get my thoughts down…

Obviously life has changed much with a new baby…he, of course, demands much time…yet at the same time I am thankful for all that the Lord is continuing to do within me. To be honest I have been going through a long hard struggle with dealing with God, people, etc…you know …the usual. Whats new? Thank goodness there is always things to work on and deal with with Him. I truly believe the Lord is doing something new at church. There is a freedom in the breaking truth which I feel like I can not get enough of. None of this sissy lala Christianity or always telling them what makes them feel most comfortable. I feel like when truth is spoken plainly it does break something, perhaps its the lie of comfort, control, etc.

My current “song” is one by Emily Greenwood…the chorus simply says..”Break down these hands, what I think they’re holding, I relinquish the lie that Im in control” so its back to the basics.

I am forever grateful for the way the Lord has allowed me to experience Him in my life that I know I can never truly be satisfied with shallow knowledge and relationship with Him. Even when I function with Him in that place, I feel sad, distant, and I miss Him. I think I have been a bit disillusioned with Him for a while. I know, SIN!! True, yet I know He can handle me and knows anyways.

I think its just that I have felt kicked to the curb and overlooked in terms of ministry. I have always been so centrally involved, and I think I have ultimately had a problem with the fact that the Lord wasn’t “using” me. I felt like He took so much time to show me what He has made me to do while I wasn’t given what I thought I really wanted …to be a wife and mother…and right when I embraced His calling in my life and being ok with whichever direction He had for me…all of the sudden I am a wife and mom..BOTH!

Its just been a whirlwind and I have had to wrap my brain around it. Don’t get me wrong I am so amazingly thankful for Daniel and Ashton, I love them more than words could describe and I LOVE my life…but I know that God is not done, because my life is not done. The odd thing is that as I have struggled with this I have been so “busy” with being a wife and pregnant mom that my distance from the Lord and His voice could only have been a misunderstanding at best…I do not know why i would expect anything else.  My desire is to be consumed by my love for Him and doing all that He would ask of me. More than anything I just want to know Him, and know more deeply what it means to be a child of His in this life.

So I “relinquish the lie that Im in control” cause clearly I am not. We make the plans but the Lord directs our steps right? I have found that He does know much better and is always good…wouldnt ya know;) I am so far from being in control and I am trying to let go, even by choosing to not have a certain attitude of thinking I know best what should be done in my life, when its clear I have no clue!

To know God, make Him known, love God, life and people…this is what I want my life to be about…

Plain, simple.

The End.

Ashton Daniel Jackson

So as of March 9th I will have the internet at my apartment once again, and then I will be able to keep more updated on my blogs, i think I have one million thoughts running through my head that I would like to get down..but for now this will do…

Ashton was born on January 5th, finally! He is now nearly 2 months old and I can not believe how big he has gotten so far! He is “talking” up a storm and rolled over from his belly to his back at 3 weeks! He is working on the other now but so far only gets to his side. He is a good baby overall and actually sleeps through the night most nights, praise the Lord!  I love him so much and love that I get to stay home with him and watch him grow every day, its a hard job but someones gotta do it;)

Daniel and I are doing well, loving being parents and loving each other more and more. Today Daniel is sick with a fever, we are hoping Ashton and I don’t catch it and I have stayed out of the apartment all day to avoid the germs as much as possible.

I am recovering from my c-section well, I seemed pretty back to normal about 3 weeks afterward and have been exercising for a while now trying to get the abs back with some sort of strength so its not all in my back! Surprisingly, or not, I have lost nearly 40 lbs since my last doctors appointment before Ashton was born. Granted Ashton was 10 of it, but am feeling much better. I can’t believe how far I felt from my normal self, am glad to not be pregnant at the moment.

Speaking of being pregnant again, the plan is to start trying again at the beginning of next year, hopefully not before…oh please Lord help us! haha. We know it doesn’t always turn out the way we think it is going to, amen?! Seems I started the baby train in some ways with a group of us, not in any hurry to jump back on the track any time soon! ha. I find myself thinking of having another one…eventually…i wasn’t so sure at first!!

Anyways, I will keep life and family hopefully updated here..as well as my thoughts on life and God and what He is teaching me. Written processing is needed soon!

~Ashley

12 days till D-day

ahhh a day of nothing…not that I had to do much of the things that I have done in the past few days but I have been trying to get the baby out, it has certainly worn me out! I was looking forward to today to relax and get the apartment back in order after running around. The need for it to be right is pressing, although the time passes and things come out of our hospital bags and more gifts or clothes get set in the baby’s room and its time to get it the way it needs to be again. Wait, what am I talking about, thats life…but yeah…still its there.

I have been getting impatient with having this child. I vary between being nervous about the unexpected and what it means to be a mother and wanting to meet Ashton and see what he looks like and know how it feels to have a child that is our own. Its odd that I am in some ways “used to being pregnant” I suppose you are nearly a year!..but I am also so ready to NOT be pregnant.

The other thing that has been bothering me is some peoples very negative unwanted advice being thrown my way. I mean, this is the end for me…I dont need to hear how its probably going to be WAY longer than I think it will be. Even if it is the case, its like when you get married and people tell you how horrible and hard the first year is..please..how is that helpful. I appreciate so much my friends who I ask advice from but who dont make me feel stupid that its my first time either. There are so many of my friends who are pregnant and will have their kids after I do, I want to be so careful about making them feel stupid…of coarse we dont know some things, but we will learn as we go. I like how some “older” moms think they are experts because they had a kid 25 years ago, no offense but things have changed a bit since then and my doctor does talk to me on a regular basis. A friend of mine sent me an article about unwanted advice in parenting..haha..i guess it doesnt end and everyone thinks they know best. I know people mean well most times, so I will try and let it roll off my back…but when hormones are flying I want to punch and cry at the same time..haha!

Well, I can not believe I am honestly sitting here, waiting to be a mom for the rest of my life..such a strange thought. And the wait continues…but you know what I DO KNOW…he will come out eventually!! haha

December 8th

exactly 20 days till my due date…

some days I am so ready, others I realize what I am thinking in terms of once he is out…he is not going back in! ha

I think I have been smashing him a bit today cause he has been squirming and kicking me a lot, and those feet or fists arent as small as they used to be…knocks the air out of you, or so it feels like.

I had a terrible time going to sleep last night. For some reason it really hurts to turn over, I imagine him sliding from one side of my belly to the other. I am a bit tired today, but I do feel like he has moved down even more…which is a good sign right? Tomorrow I go to the doctor finally to see if there is any action going on…I hope so! I know you can be dialated at 2 or 3 or whichever for quite a while so I certainly hope I am not at zero. Its crazy to think that either way, he will be in there no longer than 2 weeks after my due date!

So the question is, will I love being a mom? Will I want more right away? Will I be too old to have as many as I am thinking, too tired, too impatient? Only time will tell I suppose. Its weird but I am so tired of feeling ugly…at least when he gets out I know I can (within reasonable time) try to feel pretty again, even when you are trying it makes you feel so good, something about wanting to be able to use my body the way I used to be able to..without grunting to stand up! It is like what I would imagine an old person might feel like?!

Anyways, will post about the doctor update later hopefully. The internet was knocked out at my apt again last night with the crazy winds.

its about time…

so I dont know what happened to my blogging lately? I think at first I had a lot of things I wanted to say but was worried I would say them all wrong or be a bit over the top and then I just forgot…so anyways…Denette reminded me that I need to get back at it with my little one on the way so I can remember things that we go through…which I think is pretty important as well!

so in my last post I believe I was around 4 months preggo, now I am 9 months and only three weeks away from my due date! I am hoping so much to have him before Christmas but I am trying to be realistic about it as I know that usually first babies come a bit late. He just feels and looks so big!!

Being pregnant has been a fine experience overall. I have lots of side affects that I have been dealing with but I have just chalked it up to what must be done when carrying and growing a child inside of me! But right about now, being so close to being done I am wanting to feel a bit more like myself now..I guess you could say I am tired of being pregnant…cause it really is 10 months long, thats nearly an entire year?! I cant wear my wedding ring, my shoes don’t fit, my nose has spread and my cheeks have taken over my face (the part I hate the worst), and then I have some crazy acne across my back and shoulders! My mom had this as well when she carried the boys only…I have it worse than her…she says that must mean Ashton must have lots of testosterone! haha.  I’ve also had pretty terrible heart burn and some heart palpitations earlier on…so these are the things that I am ready to be done with. Getting into these last weeks turning over in bed is so hard and hurts…crane anyone?? but I think he has dropped because my heartburn has been much more manageable, most nights!

My favorite part about being pregnant is feeling him move. Kelsey asked me what it feels like…its hard to describe I suppose but it feels totally natural, like it is supposed to be there. I currently have my Christmas music playing from my computer and when i sing along he gives me some great punches…i hope that means he likes it and not the other way round! haha

Its overwhelming to stop and think that I am going to be mom, and someones going to look to me for all the answers and call me mommy, what a responsibility! Watching Noah, my nephew, this last year I want to make sure I drink in all the moments because Noah is such a big boy already! He doesn’t look like a baby anymore.

He is a very good boy and very smart too, soon he will have a cousin and it won’t be long till he is toddling around as well…so weird to think about with him still being inside of me!

I feel like I have so much to say on topics that aren’t about pregnancy but it is at the forefront of my mind at the minute. I am nervous and yet looking forward to having a little baby in our lives. It seems these days we don’t get much time to adjust to any one way of life, but thats ok with me. God knew that Ashton needed to be born at this time and he will give us what we need to take care of this little life!

Hopefully I can keep this updated more often now…I do love blogging, it helps me process. Might have to take a backseat through the early days that baby is here but sure.

Here is to round one in pregnancy, hopefully the next one won’t come too too soon, but soon enough:)

changes

well I am nearly 4 months pregnant now, only 5 more to go. On August 4th I get to find out what sex my baby is! I am excited about that, people ask me all the time. The stupid thing is that Daniel asked work if he could have to day off for the sonogram and they told him NO, NO?! That place makes me so mad! I am sure my mom and Kelsey can come but hello, I would like the father of the child there! At the last appointment everyone was on vacation so Kirstin went with me, I had no idea what they were going to be doing at that appointment…well we got to hear the heartbeat…it was really cool, and super fast! Kirstin teared up a bit, it was pretty neat. Luckily since the pregnancy is moving along I am feeling much better!! I never feel naseaus but I have to admit the past two Tuesdays I have not felt sick but tossed the cookies anyways, odd..one of them being today.  That is awkward but much rather it come from no where then feel sick ALL day long, for sure! I am getting more excited to be a mom. I love reading Denette’s blog and all the fun things she does with her kids, I hope they grow up and appreciate her so much…how rare it is that kids get so much attention and love from even their own parents! I am realizing as I get closer to being a mom that the old phrase that..in order for anything new to come into your life…something must move out to replace it. Something must give…in many cases money wins over the kids…and there are circumstances where the moms MUSt work, sure…but theres MUST and then…I really need the best stuff and the best vacations, and all the while you have these great things…and your child is being raised by some random at a daycare. Which brings me to our most current change….

Work has been tough. For many reasons it has been tough not to mention that I have felt overwhelmingly sick and tired and the 40 hours has been taking its toll on me. The stress and other things that have become a part of being at work have begun to take their toll. I know that I dont want to work when the baby comes anyways, but I have begun to think that the stress and pressure and tiredness I have been mounting on myself can not be good for my baby…I know its not good for me. I have come to the conclusion that I am a “be-er” not a “do-er”. I was never made to be a secretary anyways, I did it, but it was NEVER fulfilling to me. So last week I put in my 2 weeks notice, and Friday will be my last day. In all honesty I am scared to death and thrilled at the thought of the freedom! We were living comfortable with my income, I even just got a raise…so in the monitary sense I am a little nervous..but Daniel says he is not. So if he is not worried, I will not worry. He has applied to many more youth jobs and we are just praying that God will open the door when it is time and I know that He will take care of us. Its a scary place to be not knowing where we will be landing when this baby is making its way into the world, but the Lord knows, and I can trust Him.

Life has moved quickly from 1 to 3, wow! Its still an advetnure!