Relinquish

I feel like I have so many thoughts running around in my head and I have not had the chance to really verbally process many of them, I never realized how much journaling/blogging was so therapeutic for me. Now that we will have the internet at our apartment I hope I can find a moment or two to get my thoughts down…

Obviously life has changed much with a new baby…he, of course, demands much time…yet at the same time I am thankful for all that the Lord is continuing to do within me. To be honest I have been going through a long hard struggle with dealing with God, people, etc…you know …the usual. Whats new? Thank goodness there is always things to work on and deal with with Him. I truly believe the Lord is doing something new at church. There is a freedom in the breaking truth which I feel like I can not get enough of. None of this sissy lala Christianity or always telling them what makes them feel most comfortable. I feel like when truth is spoken plainly it does break something, perhaps its the lie of comfort, control, etc.

My current “song” is one by Emily Greenwood…the chorus simply says..”Break down these hands, what I think they’re holding, I relinquish the lie that Im in control” so its back to the basics.

I am forever grateful for the way the Lord has allowed me to experience Him in my life that I know I can never truly be satisfied with shallow knowledge and relationship with Him. Even when I function with Him in that place, I feel sad, distant, and I miss Him. I think I have been a bit disillusioned with Him for a while. I know, SIN!! True, yet I know He can handle me and knows anyways.

I think its just that I have felt kicked to the curb and overlooked in terms of ministry. I have always been so centrally involved, and I think I have ultimately had a problem with the fact that the Lord wasn’t “using” me. I felt like He took so much time to show me what He has made me to do while I wasn’t given what I thought I really wanted …to be a wife and mother…and right when I embraced His calling in my life and being ok with whichever direction He had for me…all of the sudden I am a wife and mom..BOTH!

Its just been a whirlwind and I have had to wrap my brain around it. Don’t get me wrong I am so amazingly thankful for Daniel and Ashton, I love them more than words could describe and I LOVE my life…but I know that God is not done, because my life is not done. The odd thing is that as I have struggled with this I have been so “busy” with being a wife and pregnant mom that my distance from the Lord and His voice could only have been a misunderstanding at best…I do not know why i would expect anything else.  My desire is to be consumed by my love for Him and doing all that He would ask of me. More than anything I just want to know Him, and know more deeply what it means to be a child of His in this life.

So I “relinquish the lie that Im in control” cause clearly I am not. We make the plans but the Lord directs our steps right? I have found that He does know much better and is always good…wouldnt ya know;) I am so far from being in control and I am trying to let go, even by choosing to not have a certain attitude of thinking I know best what should be done in my life, when its clear I have no clue!

To know God, make Him known, love God, life and people…this is what I want my life to be about…

Plain, simple.

The End.

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