12 days till D-day

ahhh a day of nothing…not that I had to do much of the things that I have done in the past few days but I have been trying to get the baby out, it has certainly worn me out! I was looking forward to today to relax and get the apartment back in order after running around. The need for it to be right is pressing, although the time passes and things come out of our hospital bags and more gifts or clothes get set in the baby’s room and its time to get it the way it needs to be again. Wait, what am I talking about, thats life…but yeah…still its there.

I have been getting impatient with having this child. I vary between being nervous about the unexpected and what it means to be a mother and wanting to meet Ashton and see what he looks like and know how it feels to have a child that is our own. Its odd that I am in some ways “used to being pregnant” I suppose you are nearly a year!..but I am also so ready to NOT be pregnant.

The other thing that has been bothering me is some peoples very negative unwanted advice being thrown my way. I mean, this is the end for me…I dont need to hear how its probably going to be WAY longer than I think it will be. Even if it is the case, its like when you get married and people tell you how horrible and hard the first year is..please..how is that helpful. I appreciate so much my friends who I ask advice from but who dont make me feel stupid that its my first time either. There are so many of my friends who are pregnant and will have their kids after I do, I want to be so careful about making them feel stupid…of coarse we dont know some things, but we will learn as we go. I like how some “older” moms think they are experts because they had a kid 25 years ago, no offense but things have changed a bit since then and my doctor does talk to me on a regular basis. A friend of mine sent me an article about unwanted advice in parenting..haha..i guess it doesnt end and everyone thinks they know best. I know people mean well most times, so I will try and let it roll off my back…but when hormones are flying I want to punch and cry at the same time..haha!

Well, I can not believe I am honestly sitting here, waiting to be a mom for the rest of my life..such a strange thought. And the wait continues…but you know what I DO KNOW…he will come out eventually!! haha

December 8th

exactly 20 days till my due date…

some days I am so ready, others I realize what I am thinking in terms of once he is out…he is not going back in! ha

I think I have been smashing him a bit today cause he has been squirming and kicking me a lot, and those feet or fists arent as small as they used to be…knocks the air out of you, or so it feels like.

I had a terrible time going to sleep last night. For some reason it really hurts to turn over, I imagine him sliding from one side of my belly to the other. I am a bit tired today, but I do feel like he has moved down even more…which is a good sign right? Tomorrow I go to the doctor finally to see if there is any action going on…I hope so! I know you can be dialated at 2 or 3 or whichever for quite a while so I certainly hope I am not at zero. Its crazy to think that either way, he will be in there no longer than 2 weeks after my due date!

So the question is, will I love being a mom? Will I want more right away? Will I be too old to have as many as I am thinking, too tired, too impatient? Only time will tell I suppose. Its weird but I am so tired of feeling ugly…at least when he gets out I know I can (within reasonable time) try to feel pretty again, even when you are trying it makes you feel so good, something about wanting to be able to use my body the way I used to be able to..without grunting to stand up! It is like what I would imagine an old person might feel like?!

Anyways, will post about the doctor update later hopefully. The internet was knocked out at my apt again last night with the crazy winds.

its about time…

so I dont know what happened to my blogging lately? I think at first I had a lot of things I wanted to say but was worried I would say them all wrong or be a bit over the top and then I just forgot…so anyways…Denette reminded me that I need to get back at it with my little one on the way so I can remember things that we go through…which I think is pretty important as well!

so in my last post I believe I was around 4 months preggo, now I am 9 months and only three weeks away from my due date! I am hoping so much to have him before Christmas but I am trying to be realistic about it as I know that usually first babies come a bit late. He just feels and looks so big!!

Being pregnant has been a fine experience overall. I have lots of side affects that I have been dealing with but I have just chalked it up to what must be done when carrying and growing a child inside of me! But right about now, being so close to being done I am wanting to feel a bit more like myself now..I guess you could say I am tired of being pregnant…cause it really is 10 months long, thats nearly an entire year?! I cant wear my wedding ring, my shoes don’t fit, my nose has spread and my cheeks have taken over my face (the part I hate the worst), and then I have some crazy acne across my back and shoulders! My mom had this as well when she carried the boys only…I have it worse than her…she says that must mean Ashton must have lots of testosterone! haha.  I’ve also had pretty terrible heart burn and some heart palpitations earlier on…so these are the things that I am ready to be done with. Getting into these last weeks turning over in bed is so hard and hurts…crane anyone?? but I think he has dropped because my heartburn has been much more manageable, most nights!

My favorite part about being pregnant is feeling him move. Kelsey asked me what it feels like…its hard to describe I suppose but it feels totally natural, like it is supposed to be there. I currently have my Christmas music playing from my computer and when i sing along he gives me some great punches…i hope that means he likes it and not the other way round! haha

Its overwhelming to stop and think that I am going to be mom, and someones going to look to me for all the answers and call me mommy, what a responsibility! Watching Noah, my nephew, this last year I want to make sure I drink in all the moments because Noah is such a big boy already! He doesn’t look like a baby anymore.

He is a very good boy and very smart too, soon he will have a cousin and it won’t be long till he is toddling around as well…so weird to think about with him still being inside of me!

I feel like I have so much to say on topics that aren’t about pregnancy but it is at the forefront of my mind at the minute. I am nervous and yet looking forward to having a little baby in our lives. It seems these days we don’t get much time to adjust to any one way of life, but thats ok with me. God knew that Ashton needed to be born at this time and he will give us what we need to take care of this little life!

Hopefully I can keep this updated more often now…I do love blogging, it helps me process. Might have to take a backseat through the early days that baby is here but sure.

Here is to round one in pregnancy, hopefully the next one won’t come too too soon, but soon enough:)

changes

well I am nearly 4 months pregnant now, only 5 more to go. On August 4th I get to find out what sex my baby is! I am excited about that, people ask me all the time. The stupid thing is that Daniel asked work if he could have to day off for the sonogram and they told him NO, NO?! That place makes me so mad! I am sure my mom and Kelsey can come but hello, I would like the father of the child there! At the last appointment everyone was on vacation so Kirstin went with me, I had no idea what they were going to be doing at that appointment…well we got to hear the heartbeat…it was really cool, and super fast! Kirstin teared up a bit, it was pretty neat. Luckily since the pregnancy is moving along I am feeling much better!! I never feel naseaus but I have to admit the past two Tuesdays I have not felt sick but tossed the cookies anyways, odd..one of them being today.  That is awkward but much rather it come from no where then feel sick ALL day long, for sure! I am getting more excited to be a mom. I love reading Denette’s blog and all the fun things she does with her kids, I hope they grow up and appreciate her so much…how rare it is that kids get so much attention and love from even their own parents! I am realizing as I get closer to being a mom that the old phrase that..in order for anything new to come into your life…something must move out to replace it. Something must give…in many cases money wins over the kids…and there are circumstances where the moms MUSt work, sure…but theres MUST and then…I really need the best stuff and the best vacations, and all the while you have these great things…and your child is being raised by some random at a daycare. Which brings me to our most current change….

Work has been tough. For many reasons it has been tough not to mention that I have felt overwhelmingly sick and tired and the 40 hours has been taking its toll on me. The stress and other things that have become a part of being at work have begun to take their toll. I know that I dont want to work when the baby comes anyways, but I have begun to think that the stress and pressure and tiredness I have been mounting on myself can not be good for my baby…I know its not good for me. I have come to the conclusion that I am a “be-er” not a “do-er”. I was never made to be a secretary anyways, I did it, but it was NEVER fulfilling to me. So last week I put in my 2 weeks notice, and Friday will be my last day. In all honesty I am scared to death and thrilled at the thought of the freedom! We were living comfortable with my income, I even just got a raise…so in the monitary sense I am a little nervous..but Daniel says he is not. So if he is not worried, I will not worry. He has applied to many more youth jobs and we are just praying that God will open the door when it is time and I know that He will take care of us. Its a scary place to be not knowing where we will be landing when this baby is making its way into the world, but the Lord knows, and I can trust Him.

Life has moved quickly from 1 to 3, wow! Its still an advetnure!

an update…

its been sometime now since I updated my blog, not sure why…just mostly haven’t felt good when I get home from work…kinda like my brain is mushy with a side of quesy tiredness. Horray! I am nearly 14 weeks now, thats into the 4th month..I am not quite feeling as fabulous as everyone says you should be..never the less a bit better. I haven’t tossed the cookies in about a week, although have fought the urge, I am taking this mind over matter!

Last weekend was Rachel’s wedding. I really had little expectations for the weekend as I have been consumed with work and sickness but it was a very nice time and I really enjoyed every aspect of it. I was a bum and didn’t take one picutre while we were up there, but I am hoping to scam some from others and facebook when I get the chance. It was nice to have a couple days off of work as well.

This weekend will also be fun, we are going down to spend the 4th of July with Nick and Emily down in San Clemente. We decided to get a room down there so we didnt have to drive all the way back up too late and we found a great deal at a Marriott again in Laguna Hills ..(thank you priceline.com-I am an avid fan of this site now)

Things for us personally are still all up in the air. We have chilled on it a bit. Daniel even wanted us to fast from looking for something else for a while and I really tried to pull back. I know I am not in control anyways. He now works at Hertz at a military base and so now is considering the military. There are aspects of that which concern me but I think he might do really well in it and lets face it, unless your a nurse or have a specialized degree in something the degree he has isn’t adding up to much to move him to the places he would like to be. This is just in the air for consideration, nothing decided for sure, we shall see.

There are some clouds in the sky today with a chance of thunderstorms in the weather. I really hope they come. I tell the Lord that it makes me remember that things won’t always be the same, change will come and relief will come with it. I know he will always provide for us, and our growing baby, however He sees fit..but its a comfort to know that the chances of us being in this same working and life situation for the rest of our lives are very slim. There will come a day when it is only a memory in our past. Perhaps somedays I hope that will come sooner than later…but never too soon. I do find security in our double income, and I know thats not the best place to be. The question now will be what happens when the baby comes? Should we, will we get a house? Is there somewhere else in the world better for us to live?

The relief I have this week I am greatful for…a little piece of rest. I have a burning desire to go somewhere all alone and just BE, with no expectations or places I have to be, just be with the Lord. Soon those days will be long gone with the little baby in our lives, and thats ok..I know the Lord will help me find Him in a new way…but for this moment on this day, I am thankful for the quiet.

Desert Song

whew life…its weird that it can feel so overwhelming sometimes. I do need a vacation and our two days at the end of the month couldn’t come quick enough. I have still been struggling, I am sure much of it has to do with my raging hormones that come with pregnancy, but its really been getting me down.

I think I just need something new to focus on? Its weird to think about how different life is going to be in about 6 months, it will be changed forever. We are having to look at the fact that we will be losing one of our incomes sooner or later. With how crazy I feel right now there are many days that I feel like that time should be now…but we have to rearrange some things before that happens. We are trying to find cheaper car insurance and after our lease is up maybe looking into getting a house if thats at all possible, especially in this economy. In the same breath I have already started with my doctors under my insurance. I really like my doctor so I would love to stay with her throughout the pregnancy. I know I can stick it out, but many days work simply feels like prison. How many days I have just cried to Daniel about it. I feel bad for complaining as well now when many people dont have jobs, and Daniel doesnt exactly ever have the option to stop working…not that he minds.

I think I just need hope, that this is not what life is going to be like for the rest of my life. I have not spent time, quality time, with the Lord in a long time. I know this is my biggest part of my problem and I just haven’t done it, I dont have a reason…and I miss him. I have just felt so sick and exahusted all the time that when I am not working 40 hours that I just want to rest. I guess growing a baby inside of you takes a lot out of you. I really need to do something about it, I just have to…no one is going to do it for me. Lori sent me the Hillsong song called, Desert Song…I think more than anything else I long and crave to worship the Lord. I could use a good LONG worship session, just the Lord and I. here is that song…

having a hard time…

it was so nice to have a long weekend, but it just made me realize that I think i need a vacation. I feel like something is wrong with me. Saturday was wonderful and really a gift from God. I recently had been telling Daniel I wanted to bomb our apartment. (haha) I just was feeling so horrible and was getting so tired from walking up and down the stairs that I was letting the “apartment go” so to speak and not staying on top of the cleaning or laundry. I figured if it was bombed we could just start over. Daniel picked it all up for me downstairs one day which I really appreciated but there was still so much more to do. I knew this weekend would be the best time since we were FINALLY not doing something or going somewhere. I was convinced that the smell of horrible pukiness was in that apartment and something had to be done. No one else could smell it (see Bethany, me too) but I loathed it! So Saturday morning my mom text me and said my dad wanted to come over and help me clean so I would feel better, and they did. They were there for 4-5 hours, my dad in particular LOVES to clean and clean well…he would have stayed till midnight if my mom would have let him. Things were done that we just hadn’t had time to do and it was such a blessing to me. The apartment is lovely and clean now from top to bottom. It did make me feel better.

Sunday we went to church and then had a nice day in. Monday was WONDERFUL to have off and although we wanted to sleep in, we never can, so we woke up early and went to the earliest showing of Night at the Museum 2. Then we went to my parents for the Memorial Day BBQ and I even got in the water for a little while and some sun in my skin. We had great BBQ food and hung out with Catalinas family, our usuals and Darryl and Becky and their boys. It was so relaxing.

Then I get home and I begin to think of all that I have to do this week and it seems I send myself into a bit of a panic attack. Not that I have tons to do but just that I feel so overwhelmed in my life. I feel like I hadn’t had a good cry in a good while, so in some ways it was a great relief. There are so many things that I am scared about and so much change happening all at once. In small ways I feel a bit depressed, probably because I feel so out of control of my life at the moment. No safe place to land, no time to take in anything let alone everything that is happening all at once. I have felt this way before. I feel like I want to run away, at the same time I know that a lot of my problem is simply that I need to turn to the Lord.

I asked for prayer on our church wide prayer list and a sweet older lady gave me a little book to read called Tyranny of the Urgent, already a great quote has stood out to me in it that says  “Your greatest danger is letting the urgent things crowd out the important.” How true.  It talks about listening to what God wants..i have been simply going through the motions hoping God fits in. I feel like the romance and the awe of life has been sucked out and been filled back in with fear and worry, which I do not like at all. I need to rectify this situation and get with the Lord. Please pray for me if you think about it.

Thanks friends!

?? for you!!

Who doesn’t love a little more questionnaires?

 

Why are you single?

Well, Im not Im happily married

Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?

Its a black blousy tank top type thing that is actually Kelseys!

What’s currently bothering you?

Not knowing if I am moving or not and not knowing if I am ok with it or not, plus random bouts of nausea..whats new?

 

What do you currently hear?

The air conditioning and my typing

When was the last time you had your hair cut?

maybe like 3 weeks ago?

When were you last outside?

when i went to lunch today

Are you wearing shorts?

Yup! 3/4 lengths.

Does the thought of marriage scare you?

Not anymore, it did for a little while this time last year, but now that i am married I love it and him:)

What are you doing today?

working and waiting for a meeting to start, I have finished all my tasks for today.

Look to your left, what is there?

pictures, a phone, a painting, hand sanitizer, pens, etc.

What time did you go to sleep last night?

around 11 pm

When is your Birthday?

April 29th, just passed but i feel I missed it cause i was just consumed with “am i pregnant” thoughts?!

The way to win your heart?

Be honest, real, passionate, loving, and care about more than the weather. No pretenses and honesty, I value these things.

What are you going to do this weekend?

Attempt to really clean the apartment, relax, maybe have a bbq and watch Daniel play football for the first time ever!

Were you happy when you woke up today?

A little bit, I wasn’t feeling sick so I had a bit of a pep in my step!

Have you ever crawled through a window?

yeah when we would lock ourselves out of my parents, through my sisters room.

Would you ever donate blood?

yeah, I have.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

I get called Erin all the time, yea we look alike.

Do you have reason to smile right now?

There is always some reason to smile about, I am listening to Matt Chandler for the first time..I like him..preach it!

Why is the song you picked for your myspace song up?

I havent been on myspace in a long while

What do you do when you’re stressed out?

hide or cry easily

Would you honestly say you’d risk your life for someone else?

maybe, depends on who it is and what the circumstances are?

Could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you?

I dont really have friends or a husband whom it would cross their mind to hurt me.

Do you open up to people easily?

Yeah, I am kinda an open book if there is time and space to share.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?

sure, but I am a basketcase!

What is the last pill you swallowed?

my puky prenatal pill, this morning i had a chewable Flinstone vitamin instead. haha

What was the first thing you thought this morning?

Daniel don’t wake me up, its not time to wake up yet!

Who do you blame for your bad mood today?

I don’t have a bad mood. And I rarely blame people if I am in a bad mood.

Where is the person you like right now?

at work

What was the first thing you did this morning?

ask Daniel what he was thinking cause I saw him staring at the ceiling.

Do you care of what people think of you?

Depends who they are, how much I respect them and how much they respect me. In general, not that much, but it really depends who the people are.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

probably Daniel, somewhere

What are you looking forward to right now?

sleeping in tomorrow, the three day weekend (woop woop), Rachel and Brittany’s wedding, getting passed my first trimester, having a baby!

 

Do you miss someone?

My northern Irish friends

Where was your default pic taken?

umm, my facebook one is from Palm Springs

Does your crush like you?

yes he does.

Is there a person of the opposite sex that means a lot to you?

many, but not as much as my husband Daniel

If you could go back in time and change something would you?

That is a tough one. I love my life for the most part and have learned even from the hardest parts, so I dont think so.

Do you hate smokers?

I dont hate anyone, I dislike smoke however

Is it hard for you to get over someone?

In the past, yes.

Ever had a near death experience?

I don’t think so, some scary ones but not that NEAR death.

Something you do a lot?

think, go out to eat, check facebook, go to weddings, laugh..?? I dont know

Last person you cried in front of?

My Pastor

Where will you be 18 hours from now?

sleeping I HOPE

Have you ever been to a tanning bed?

heck yes

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?

sometimes, I am easily embarrassed!

Does anyone hate you for no reason?

Maybe, but I would think they think they have a good reason for hating me, unless htey are just haters…no fun!

Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with the letter J?

Mr Jackson

What are you stressed out about?

moving possibilities, wait didnt we already do this one?

 

What’s your favourite season?

Spring!

 

When is the next time you’ll see your best friend(s)?

No Idea. I have lots of good friends, some who i will see frequently, some who I will see occasionally.

Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?

I guess my parents would. If it was something that mattered.

Are any of your friends pregnant?

yeah, weird this stage of life!

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes.

Favourite number?

7

Ever been in love?

yes

What do you like most sunrise/sunset?

Sunset. I am awake to see it. haha

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or the lights off?

I dont really like watching movies at home, I’m weird

Are you wearing make-up?

indeed

What were you doing at 11:30 last night?

sleeping!

What’s the last thing you said and to who?

“Yeah thats fine with me, bye” phone call.

Can you whistle?

Yep

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

No

Do you sleep on your stomach?

Sometimes. Usually I’m asleep and not looking at how I am sleeping. haha

What do you hear?

hello repeat? now I hear Matt Chandler yelling occasionally!

Are you ticklish?

yeah, and I hate to be tickled!

Last time you saw fireworks, with who & where?

Probably last years Fourth of July on the mountains with Daniel, Kelsey and Garrett Griggs…haha.

the weekend in Hercules

Boy what a packed weekend. It felt like we were there for ages! I am struggling a lot with my tummy at present so I hope I can get all this out…I have a few pics that I will put on facebook hopefully this afternoon.

We got to Oakland and were picked up by Big Dave and he took us to his home where we met his lovely wife Meredith and their two kids. We went to a little kids birthday party and it was sooooo hot, so we didnt stay long. We hung out the rest of the evening, got some ice cream, played Settlers of Catan (ps it was my first time playing and I won!..haha) and then we headed to an outdoor mall type thing where we went to PF Changs for dinner. We sat around and talked about everything and then headed back to the hotel.

Sunday we went down to the lobby early and had breakfast and then Dave came and picked us up for church. We loved the service, the worship was amazing and the pastor was direct and full of truth as well. After the service we toured the offices which were located downstairs from the sanctuary and then headed to the youth/childrens center to hang out with some of the Jr. Highers. They were really great. After church we went with the Executive Pastor and his wife to the “Back 40″ which was a bbq place and talked with them about all kinds of things. They then dropped us back at the hotel where we took a much needed nap, for me at least. Then around 5 Dave and Meredith came and picked us up and we headed into San Fransisco and went to eat dinner on the top of Macys. It was a great view, but pretty chilly. More conversing and driving around the city.

Monday we met the Pastor and his wife at the hotel and they took us to a hotel by the bay to eat breakfast and talk with them. After they dropped us off at the offices we headed inland a bit (I forget the name of the town) and we were not hungry but Big Dave and Dave took us to the Spaghetti Factory and we shared some garlic bread and talked some more. Then we dropped big Dave off and Dave (too many Daves, but he is the high school pastor) he took us into San Fransisco again and we decided to go to the zoo. It was pretty cold but fun to see all the animals. We then went down to Fishermans Warf and with time ticking until we needed to be at the airport we ran into the RainForest Cafe for dinner. It was good, I had never eaten there before. We talked more, made a quick stop at Starbucks before the airport and then were on our way back.

I am loathing being sick constantly. I think because we were so busy it was easy to put to the back of my mind but the sense of tiredness and yucky smells and so much food, I am making ties to everything I am involved in as unpleasant. Thinking about the weekend in general makes me feel tired and full…haha, but overall we liked it. We really liked the people and the church and seems like it would be a great place to be involved with. I must admit I am still having a hard time thinking about being away from my family and having this baby but God knows. They are still interviewing another guy and his wife this weekend and we should know in the next week or two. I suppose if we get it then we will know its from God and He will help us…me! I think it is a great opporunity for Daniel, however difficult it may seem it will be for me.

Back to nursing the quesy…

my first appointment

Yesterday was my first prenatal appointment. I didn’t do much except meet with a nurse to go over some of my questionarre, talk about possible tests that will be done, be given a boat load of information to take home, and give baout 8 viles of blood. It was at Kaiser and I decided it was kinda like a mall version of a hospital/doctors office. My mom and Catalina even got coffee from the coffee stand while I waited to get my blood drawn. They have estimated my due date as December 28th, but once I meet with the doctor I am sure that it might change a day or two when they can be more exact. I meet officially with the doctor for my first probes and prods June 4th. Oh what a joy, but I suppose it all must be done. These firsts are deffinitley always interestin.

I have been feeling oh so horrible. Unfortunatley I won’t make it to the fair. In my moment of strength I told Daniel I wanted to go last night, but by the time he gets home I am all but dead. Its starting to irritate me that I feel constantly sick. I think I would deal with more being sick in the morning and being able to at least be relieved….but no. Grrr! I need to get onto the advice of others and grab some gingerale, ginger cookies, tea, something..I am just about over saltines..no more, no thanks! I get extremley irritated once I go to bed as well. I start saying and doing strange things with Daniel because I think I so desperatley want to sleep. The other night I made him switch sides of the bed with me, and I was so “this is my side” I think subconsciously I would wake up slightly irritable and restless, see him sleeping soundly, and was convinced that side was better for sleeping. We have stayed switched for three nights now. Last night I got up abruptly, got the fan from his side (my former side) and plugged it in on my side. He was like “are you hot?” he was still up..I guess I was? Then in my sleep I start smelling so strongly BLEACH! In my dreamy state I can only imagine that Daniel is at the end of the bed cleaning something with some horrific cleaner that is causing me to want to vomit. I say “whatever you are using to clean you better stop!” he was like what? I respond “what is that smell??” Him..”oh maybe its the bleach i put in the washer” me: are you kidding me? How much bleach did you put in there (its down stairs by the way) and I was so aggrivated at him for bleaching things in what seemed to me to be the middle of the night. The smell was so strong that I felt like someone was holding a rag of it up to my nose and trying to kill me. Then I was convinced it was on him and kept telling him to wash his hands. Thank goodness the man is patient. It must be those extra strong smell senses but boy alive! And then you know when you just feel aweful and your whole body aches, the last thing you want is someone hanging on you. Well maybe its just me, but thats how I was feeling. Sometime in the night Daniel innocently put his arm around him and I guess I went off on him. I am sure it made sense in my sleepiness and I honestly don’t remember what I said..but this morning he was like..you attacked me last night! AHHH!

Wow, I sure hope this passes quickly. I know its all worth it in the end but I might just be losing my mind in the process!